pronouncing death part 2

pronouncing death, again, is never easy. and i hope will never get easy. i hope i can never get used to pronouncing death. i know i'm not making any senses. but i know what i'm saying.

just like tonight.

i was called to visit a patient at her house. she's 17. KP aktif dan putus obat. i got there around 20.30. almost as a reflect, i grabbed her wrist looking for her pulse. there was none. tried to wake her up and looked for her pain response. there was none. i looked at her fingers, they were pale. i started compressing her chest while thinking what else was i going to do. after few cycles (of compressions only!) i asked for flashlight and checked her pupil. they were maximally dilated. she is dead. only now how am i going to break the news.

after (again) few cycles of compressions and pupil-checking, i stopped. looked at pak mantri, and broke the news. cries suddenly broke inside the house. then they had the 'doa pelepasan'. at that time i glanced around the small beach-sanded floor room. a lampu petromak lit the room, several wooden boxes were put on a some-kind-of-a table, picture of a little girl in school uniform hanging on one of the wooden pine-leaf wall. i guess it was her. and then i looked at the mother. she's holding the girl's head in her arms. kissing her while crying regretfully. i felt sorry for her. both the mother and the girl.

this is what i don't want to get used to. i don't want to get used to pronouncing death. i want to keep the feeling of sorry and sad for the family. i don't wanna get numb. probably because i've lost people that i love and a part of me want to get connected to them. i lost some people that i love, so i know how it feels.

so help me god.

dorehkar, 130609.

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