6 minggu 5 hari di dorehkar: apology
do you know how it feels seeing someone dying in front of you, and then dies? well, i do. i know how it feels. it comes with my job. my work gives me the privilege of doing so. i saw my mother dying in front of me when i was 15 and then dozens of patients when was attending medical school, today it's happening again. seeing someone dying in front of you is horrible because you know what's happening and you can't do anything to save him.
the man that i saw this afternoon was really pale. his eyes were sunken. he's been sick for the last four months but i've never seen him like this.
slowly, his consciousness began to decline up to a state where he doesn't hear that someone is calling his name, until he's unaware of his environment. his breath began to go slower and more shallow. i was holding his right hand at the moment trying to palpate his radial artery.
when i felt that he has exhaled his last breath, i put my stethoscope on his left chest. there was nothing. his dead. but i needed to make sure of myself and the family. so i asked for a flashlight. i checked ou his pupils. they were maximally dilated. his dead.
and when i delivered this to his family, they all bursted into tears. the old woman on his left side sang a song for the death in her cry.
what made me feels bad is not that i lost a patient. it's because i had prejudices on the patient. it feels like, as a doctor, i fail. not because i don't know how to diagnose a disease or write a medical presciption but because i have prejudices on my patients.
and for this i owe marenus rumbewas an apology. right now there are 'i should'ves' in my thought. should've this, i should've that.
if after this one year ptt i'm not changed into a whole different and better doctor, then i fail all over again. i'd probably should stop doing this.