malaikat pencabut nyawa

having more than one mortality during your shift, gets you into thinking that you're some kinda angel of death.

of all the time in the world, why oh why during my shift.

death hurts. death sucks. not only to the family left, but also to me whose main purpose is to preserve life.

so when a patient dies, after all the meds and efforts given, you feel broken. when another one dies you feel like you've failed.

it makes you think are you good enough? because if not, then you should stop being a doctor. because if you're bad, you can lose more patients in the future easily. i'm not the best there is, but i believe that i'm one helluva striving-to-be-good doctor.

i rarely lose more than one patient in such a short time. when it happens it  makes me afraid to treat patients. but this frightened feeling is necessary. so we'd be humble. so we'd be more aware. but, if we turn out to be paranoid, i think we should stop being a doctor. because when we're paranoia or GG (medical terms for gaduh gelisah) whenever we receive patient with deteriorating state, then it's hard to think clearly. our thought is haunted by the image of death patient. 

but that does not matter.

what's matter is trying your heart out to help the patient.

and if you fail, what's important is to put your hands on the shoulder of the wife, husband, or child of the deceased and then say you're sorry for not being able to bring their loved ones back to life.

as a moslem i was taught that death, as also (soul)mate and fortune, is in GOD's hands. all i can do--all that we can do--is try. whatever the outcome may be. but still, when a patient dies you can't stop wondering what did i do wrong? or what didn't i do?

i believe in ALLAH SWT, but i also believe in science. and when the 2 contradicts, i go back to the first sentence.


  1. It would be wise [for you] to understand that fate-life&death-lifesoulmatch-age would be solely in the hands of Gusti Alloh. Apart from human mnds so called med-sicences and stuff they all rest assured in the decision whether or otherwise those patient's given the permission to continue further with his/her life..

    Bearing in mind that such events that perhaps has frustrated you - do reminded all of us to continue making serious efforts to maintain a higher quality of ibadah. Therefore when your time (and all of us respectively) arrives - making you a blessed one and rewarded Jannah. Ammiiin...

    Nice to have found this blog, kind regards from Iraq.. yest, that Iraq that still blowing up...


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