I'm Home But......


It's been three weeks--almost four--since I returned from SS. The first week was a torture for me. Not because I'm home, but because I know that SS was my last mission for a vvery long time--if not for good. I felt awful that I'm never gonna go again to a mission in war-torn country halfway around the world.

But it's also that time of my life when I have to choose between the most important things in my life: MSF and my family. And I know I keep saying to myself that,"There will be another doctor, another nurse, another aid worker, but there's only me for my family."

I can't lie to myself.

I still want to return to the field.

But I gotta man up. I need to choose the right thing for my family.

And I chose to stay.

After a week, the pain has become less. I started making peace with the reality, I became closer to my family and began thinking what's right in front of my eyes. I have the family that I love right here with me, so I need to be present for them. I got more engaged with daily routine and the thought of mission started to slip out of my mind.

Of course according to the psychologist that I talked to, this is not the right way to overcome this feeling. What I must do is to face the issue, see where the problem clearly and then take the decision.

The sad crappy feeling of not being able to return to the field is still coming and going but the intensity is much less than before.

Right now I'm still learning to accept that that part of my life--my MSF life--is now my past.

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